Intimate questions answered with
grace and confidence - Part six

SEXUAL CONCERNS & QUESTIONS FOR WOMEN WITH COMPROMISED BODY 

Q: It's been so long since we had sex, I'm not sure if I even want to anymore.  Is there hope?

First of all, yes—there’s always hope. It’s completely normal to feel disconnected from sex, especially when you’re navigating the unique challenges that come with living with a disability or a body that doesn’t always cooperate. But intimacy, pleasure, and connection are still very much possible—it just might look a little different than before.

Start by giving yourself permission to feel however you feel. It’s okay to admit that sex hasn’t been on your radar or that you’re unsure about it. This doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or your relationship—it’s just where you are right now, and that’s okay.

If you’re open to exploring intimacy again, start small. Sex doesn’t have to mean full-on intercourse. Focus on non-sexual touch, cuddling, or even just spending quality time together to rebuild closeness. Intimacy grows from connection, and sometimes taking the pressure off can reignite that spark naturally.

Talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. Be honest about where you are emotionally and physically. You might say something like, “It’s been a while, and I’m not sure how I feel about getting back to it, but I’d like to figure this out with you.” This lets them know you’re open to reconnecting but need patience and support.

If physical challenges are part of what’s holding you back, don’t hesitate to get creative or seek help. Adaptations, positioning aids, or even advice from a therapist who specializes in sexual health and disability can make intimacy more comfortable and enjoyable. There are no “rules” here—what works for you is what’s right.

Lastly, reconnect with yourself. Take time to explore your body, your desires, and what makes you feel good. This isn’t just about sex—it’s about feeling confident and in tune with yourself. Whether it’s through self-pleasure, relaxation, or just embracing what makes you feel beautiful, this step can be incredibly empowering.

You’re not alone in this, and there’s no timeline or “right way” to approach it.

Q: We are not a couple to really talk about my body issues.  We have no intimacy and lack communication. HELP.

It’s so hard to feel stuck in this place, but the fact that you’re reaching out shows you care deeply about your relationship and want to make things better. You’re not alone in struggling with body issues, intimacy, or communication—especially when living with a disability or a body that doesn’t always feel like it’s cooperating. There’s hope, and there are steps you can take to rebuild that connection.

Start small. If deep conversations feel overwhelming, try easing into communication with lighter topics. Share moments of your day, ask your partner about theirs, or even reminisce about happy times together. Building a habit of talking about little things can make it easier to tackle bigger topics later.

When you do feel ready to open up, keep it simple and honest. You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling distant lately, and I’d love for us to work on feeling closer again.” It doesn’t have to be a full deep-dive into your body issues right away—just an acknowledgment that you want to reconnect.

Focus on non-sexual intimacy first. Sometimes a lack of communication and physical distance feed off each other. Start with small gestures like cuddling, holding hands, or even sitting closer while watching a show. These little steps can help rebuild trust and closeness without the pressure of sex.

Explore ways to address your body issues personally. Whether it’s through therapy, journaling, or finding body-positive communities, building confidence in yourself can make it easier to share your feelings with your partner. It’s okay to take time for this—it’s a process.

If communication feels like a major barrier, consider couples counseling. A good therapist can help guide these conversations in a safe and supportive way. It’s not about pointing fingers—it’s about learning how to work together to create a stronger connection.

Lastly, be patient with yourself and your partner. Rebuilding intimacy and communication takes time, but even small efforts can make a big difference. You’re taking the first step by acknowledging there’s a problem and wanting to address it—that’s huge.

Q:  Traditional sex is out of the question.  Any suggestions about positions/techniques?

It’s great that you’re open to exploring new ways to experience intimacy. Just because traditional sex isn’t an option doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling and satisfying intimate life. There are plenty of positions, techniques, and tools designed to work with your unique needs and body.

Experiment with Positions

Adaptation is key. Explore positions that reduce strain or work around limitations.

• Side-lying (spooning): This position is gentle, minimizes pressure, and allows for close physical connection.

• Seated positions: Sitting on a sturdy chair, bed edge, or wheelchair allows you to stay supported while your partner moves or adapts around you.

• Modified missionary: Use pillows or wedges to provide extra support and find comfortable angles that work for both of you.

• Standing support: If mobility allows, leaning against a wall or counter for stability can be a good option.

Use Tools and Props

• Pillows or wedges: These can help with positioning, reduce strain, and provide comfort. Products like the Liberator wedge are designed specifically for this purpose.

• Sex furniture: Adjustable chairs or supports can help create angles and positions that suit your needs.

• Harnesses or straps: These can assist with movement or allow you to try new positions with less effort.

Explore Beyond Penetration

Intimacy doesn’t have to mean penetration.

• Manual or oral stimulation: These can be just as intimate and satisfying and allow for more creativity in how you connect.

• Toys: Vibrators, remote-controlled toys, and other devices can add new dimensions to your intimacy, especially if mobility is limited. Look for body-safe, easy-to-use options.

• Sensory play: Focus on touch, temperature, or other sensations to create closeness and pleasure.

Communication is Key

Talk openly with your partner about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what you’d like to try. If direct conversations feel hard, make it fun by exploring together—browse for ideas online or experiment in a playful, no-pressure way.

Involve a Professional if Needed

If you’re unsure where to start, a sex therapist or occupational therapist who specializes in intimacy can provide guidance tailored to your needs. They can recommend tools, techniques, and positions specific to your situation.

Take Your Time

It’s all about experimenting and finding what works for you. Intimacy is a journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Focus on connection, communication, and discovering new ways to experience pleasure together.

Q:  How do I rediscover orgasms and/or self pleasure?

Rediscovering orgasms and self-pleasure when your body feels different can be tricky, but it’s such a worthwhile journey. Your body is still capable of pleasure, even if things don’t feel exactly like they used to. The key is to approach it with curiosity and patience, without putting pressure on yourself.

Start by exploring what feels good now. Touch different areas of your body—places you might not usually think of, like your neck, shoulders, or thighs—and see what sparks something for you. This is your time to experiment and reconnect.

Toys can make a big difference, especially if mobility or sensation is an issue. Look for vibrators with long handles, remote controls, or even wearable ones that do the work for you. There are also adaptive toys designed specifically for people with disabilities—so many options to fit your needs.

Don’t just focus on touch—play with sensations. Try warming or cooling items, soft textures like feathers or silk, or even different vibration patterns. It’s all about finding new ways to create pleasure that work for you. Make sure you’re comfortable, too. Use pillows, wedges, or anything that helps you relax and feel supported. Set the mood with music, lighting, or anything that helps you feel more at ease.

Orgasms might feel different now, and that’s totally okay. Instead of focusing on the finish line, enjoy the process of rediscovering what feels good. Sometimes the journey itself can be just as satisfying. If physical sensations are harder to reach, explore mental stimulation—things like erotic stories, fantasies, or even audio designed for pleasure. There are apps like “Dipsea” that are great for this.

Be kind to yourself. This takes time, and there’s no rush or right way to do it. If you’re feeling stuck or unsure, a therapist or counselor who understands sexual health and disability can give you personalized advice and help you navigate this.

Remember, this is all about you. Take it one step at a time, and enjoy figuring out what works for you now.

Q:  I don't feel desirable to my husband, I feel inadequate. How do I love my body and love using it?

First of all, you are so much more than your body, and your worth in your relationship isn’t tied to how “desirable” you feel. But I get it—when you’re struggling to see yourself in that light, it’s hard to feel confident or connected. The good news is, you can learn to love your body and rediscover how amazing it is, step by step.

Start with self-compassion. Your body has been through a lot, and it’s still here, showing up for you every day. Instead of focusing on what feels “inadequate,” try shifting your perspective to what your body can do. Maybe it’s your ability to hug your loved ones, enjoy your favorite foods, or simply keep going when things feel hard. These little acts of gratitude can go a long way.

Rebuild your connection with your body through movement, touch, or care. This doesn’t have to mean exercise if that’s not accessible or enjoyable for you—it could be as simple as a warm bath, moisturizing your skin, or even gently massaging areas that need attention. Make these moments about celebrating your body, not critiquing it.

Focus on intimacy outside the bedroom. Take time to reconnect emotionally with your husband—whether that’s through talking, laughing, or even just spending time together. When the emotional bond strengthens, the physical connection often follows naturally.

If you’re open to it, have an honest conversation with your husband about how you’re feeling. Chances are, he sees you in a much more loving and desirable light than you realize. You could say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little unsure of myself lately, and I’d love for us to work on reconnecting.” It’s not about blame or fixing anything—it’s about sharing and building together.

Start small in the bedroom, focusing on what makes you feel good and confident. Wear something that makes you feel special, use soft lighting, or set the mood with music. Intimacy is about enjoying the moment, not meeting a standard. Be patient with yourself, and take it at your own pace.

If negative thoughts about your body keep creeping in, try shifting the narrative. When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not enough,” replace it with, “I’m worthy of love and connection just as I am.” It’s not easy, but with practice, those kinder thoughts start to stick.

Lastly, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can help you unpack these feelings and give you tools to rebuild your confidence. You don’t have to figure this out alone.

You are worthy of love, intimacy, and connection—just as you are.