Intimate questions answered with
grace and confidence - Part two

SEXUAL ISSUES AND CONCERNS FOR WOMEN IN 50s/60s IN LONG MARRIAGES

Q: How long should sex play be? Should we expect to move mountains or are quickies just as healthy for relationships?

Honestly, there’s no magic number for how long sex play should be—it’s really about what works for you and your partner in the moment. Some days, a slow, drawn-out session feels perfect, and other times, a quickie gets the job done just as well. Both are totally normal and healthy!

Longer sessions are great when you’re in the mood to really connect and take your time exploring each other. They’re those moments where you can just relax and enjoy the intimacy without feeling rushed. But let’s be real, not every time has to be a big, romantic production—sometimes life just doesn’t allow for that!

Quickies, on the other hand, can be so much fun. They’re spontaneous, playful, and a great way to keep the spark alive when you’re short on time or energy. Just because they’re fast doesn’t make them any less meaningful—sometimes those little moments of connection are exactly what you need.

The key is to focus on what feels good for both of you in the moment. Variety keeps things interesting, so having a mix of longer, slower intimacy and quick, passionate moments can really balance things out.

At the end of the day, it’s not about how much time you spend, but how connected and satisfied you both feel. Whether it’s a long, candlelit evening or a sneaky moment before heading out the door, both are great!

Q:  I love my husband but he wants to try things in the bedroom that make me uncomfortable. How do I get on board with this?

First off, it’s great that you’re thinking about how to handle this—it shows how much you care about your relationship and your husband’s feelings. But it’s just as important to honor your own comfort and boundaries. You don’t have to jump into anything you’re not ready for, and that’s okay!

Start by talking to your husband when you’re both relaxed and not in the heat of the moment. Let him know you hear him and appreciate that he wants to share his desires with you, but also be honest about how you’re feeling. You might say, “I love that you’re open with me, but I feel unsure about this. Can we talk about it more and ease into it together?”

Ask him to explain what he’s interested in and why it’s important to him. Understanding where he’s coming from can help you feel more connected to his perspective, and it might make the idea feel less intimidating.

If you’re open to exploring but still hesitant, start small. Are there parts of his idea you could try that feel less overwhelming? For example, if he’s suggesting something completely new, maybe there’s a smaller, more manageable version of it that you’d feel comfortable with first.

It’s also okay to set clear boundaries. You can say, “I’m open to trying new things, but this part doesn’t feel right for me.” Compromise is key, and a loving partner will respect where you’re coming from.

Remember, this is a partnership. It’s not about saying yes to everything—it’s about finding a middle ground where both of you feel respected and connected. Intimacy should be about mutual enjoyment, not pressure or discomfort.

If this feels like a bigger issue that’s hard to navigate alone, a couples therapist can help. They’re great at facilitating these kinds of conversations and helping you both find ways to stay close and adventurous while honoring each other’s boundaries.

Take it at your own pace. Exploring new things together can be fun, but it’s only worth doing if it feels right for both of you.

Q:  I sometimes fake an orgasm to get it over with.  Is this wrong?

Let me say you’re not alone—many people have faked it at some point, and it doesn’t make you a bad person or partner. That said, while faking an orgasm might feel like the easiest way out in the moment, over time, it can create a bit of a disconnect in your intimacy.

When you fake it, your partner might think everything’s working perfectly, which can make it harder to address what’s really going on. It’s not “wrong,” but it might not help you get to a place where you’re both fully satisfied and connected. Intimacy is about trust and honesty, and being open about what you’re feeling can bring you closer.

If you’re not feeling it in the moment, that’s okay! Sex doesn’t always have to end with an orgasm to be meaningful or enjoyable. You can still focus on the closeness, the touch, and the connection without the pressure of a big finale. It’s perfectly fine to say, “That feels good, but I don’t think I’m going to get there tonight—let’s just enjoy this.”

If it’s happening often, it might help to think about what’s behind it. Are you stressed, tired, or not fully engaged? Or is there something about your intimacy that isn’t quite clicking? Talking with your partner about what feels good—or what you’d like to try differently—can make a huge difference. You could frame it positively, like, “I’d love for us to explore this together—I think it could make things even better.”

Ultimately, it’s about finding what works for both of you and enjoying the journey, not just the destination.

Q:  I'm not attracted to my husband at all. What now?

It’s really brave of you to admit this, even just to yourself. Attraction can come and go in long-term relationships, and feeling this way doesn’t mean your relationship is over. It’s something a lot of couples face, and there are ways to work through it if you’re willing to give it a shot.

Take a minute to think about what might be behind this feeling. Is it physical changes in your husband, emotional distance, old arguments that haven’t been resolved, or even how you’re feeling about yourself lately? Sometimes it’s not just about looks—it can be a sign of deeper stuff going on in the relationship or within yourself.

Start by focusing on rebuilding emotional connection. Attraction often follows when you feel emotionally close. Spend time together, go on dates, try doing something fun or new as a couple—things that remind you why you fell for him in the first place. Even little moments, like laughing together or having a good conversation, can make a big difference.

Also, check in with yourself. How do you feel about you right now? Sometimes, when we’re not feeling great about ourselves, it can spill over into how we see our partners. Taking time to care for yourself—whether it’s exercising, finding hobbies you love, or just taking a moment to recharge—can help you reconnect with your confidence and spark.

If physical intimacy feels like too much, start small. Holding hands, hugging, or cuddling can help rebuild that closeness without feeling forced. Little by little, it might feel easier to reconnect physically.

When you’re ready, talk to him about it—gently. You could say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little off lately, and I really want us to work on feeling closer again. Can we figure this out together?” It’s not about blaming him; it’s about finding ways to rebuild as a team.

And don’t underestimate the power of trying new things together. Whether it’s a fun activity, a weekend away, or just shaking up your daily routine, new experiences can bring fresh energy to your relationship. If this feels too big to tackle alone, couples therapy can be a game-changer. A therapist can help guide those tough conversations and give you both tools to reconnect emotionally and physically.

It’s okay to feel this way right now, but it doesn’t have to stay this way. With some patience and effort, you can rebuild that spark. If you want more tips or just need someone to bounce ideas off, I’m here for you. You’ve got this!

To be continued on part three.