Intimate questions answered with
grace and confidence - Part one

SEXUAL ISSUES AND CONCERNS FOR WOMEN IN 50S/60S IN LONG MARRIAGES

Q: I am so tired at the end of the day. HOW can I find the energy to improve our sex life?

Being too tired at the end of the day for intimacy is totally normal, especially in a long marriage where life and routines can take over. But don’t worry—you can bring that spark back without feeling like it’s one more thing to add to your to-do list. Here’s how:

Switch up the timing. Who says sex has to happen at night? If evenings leave you drained, try mornings or even lazy weekends when you’re more refreshed. Saturday morning cuddles can turn into something special without the pressure of the day weighing on you.

Focus on little moments. Intimacy doesn’t always have to mean full-on sex. Start with small things like holding hands, cuddling, or giving each other a quick back rub. These moments can help rebuild closeness, and the rest can happen naturally.

Take care of yourself first. If you’re running on empty, it’s hard to have energy for anything, let alone intimacy. Make time for yourself—even if it’s a quick nap, a hot bath, or just a few minutes to relax. Feeling recharged makes all the difference.

Talk about it. Let your partner in on how you’re feeling. Say something like, “I love you and want us to feel close, but I’ve been so tired lately. Can we figure out ways to make this easier for both of us?” Chances are, they’ll want to help.

Start small. Don’t think of it as an all-or-nothing thing. Even just lying close, kissing, or touching can bring you closer without it feeling like a big effort. Sometimes removing the pressure can make it fun again.

Add a little excitement. Try something new—light candles, play some music, or even just change up your usual routine. It doesn’t have to be anything wild; little changes can reignite that spark.

Reassess your energy drainers. If you’re always exhausted, think about what you can hand off or let go of during the day. Freeing up even a little energy can make room for connection.

Be kind to yourself. It’s not about being perfect or trying to recreate the past. It’s about reconnecting and finding joy in each other, even in small ways.

Q: Vaginal dryness is a real thing and it can hurt. I want to enjoy sex, not get through it. What are safe solutions?

Vaginal dryness is no joke, and it can definitely make things in the bedroom feel more like a chore than fun. But there are plenty of gentle, non-irritating options that can help you actually enjoy intimacy again without just “getting through it.”

First, a good lube can make all the difference. Go for a water-based or silicone-based one that’s free of glycerin, parabens, or fragrances (those can sometimes irritate sensitive skin). Silicone-based lubes last longer and are super smooth, while water-based ones are great for easy cleanup and work well with toys or condoms.

Vaginal moisturizers like Replens or HyaloGYN are another lifesaver. They’re different from lube—think of them like a face moisturizer, but for your vagina. Use them regularly to keep things hydrated, not just when you’re about to get intimate.

If you’re into natural options, coconut oil or aloe vera gel (make sure it’s 100% pure) can work really well, too. Just keep in mind that oils aren’t safe to use with latex condoms because they can break them down.

If the dryness feels like a constant battle, a quick chat with your doctor might be helpful. They could suggest something like a low-dose vaginal estrogen cream or other treatments that work specifically for you.

Also, don’t underestimate the power of foreplay. Giving yourself more time to relax and connect can help your body naturally get in the mood, and it makes the whole experience more enjoyable.

Even little things like staying hydrated and eating omega-3-rich foods (hello, salmon and walnuts!) can help your overall vaginal health. And if you’re trying something new, go slow and do a quick patch test to make sure it doesn’t irritate you.

You don’t have to just “deal with” dryness. There are so many ways to make intimacy comfortable and fun again. If you want product recommendations or more tips, let me know—I’ve got you covered!

Q: HELP, I still find my husband so attractive but I don't ever feel like I WANT sex, what can I do about decreased libido?

First of all, let me just say—you’re not alone in feeling this way. It’s super common, especially in long marriages and as our bodies and lives change. The fact that you still find your husband so attractive is amazing! It shows there’s still a spark, even if your libido isn’t playing along right now.

Start by cutting yourself some slack. There are so many things that can mess with libido—stress, hormones, medications, exhaustion—you name it. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship, but it’s worth taking a closer look.

Think about what’s going on in your life. Are you stressed? Tired? Feeling disconnected from your body? Little things like getting better sleep, moving your body in ways you enjoy, or just finding some “me time” can help you feel more like yourself again.

Sometimes the issue isn’t that you don’t want sex—it’s that you’re not feeling “in the mood.” Focus on building connection and closeness without pressure. Maybe that’s flirty texts, slow date nights, or just cuddling on the couch. The little moments often create the space for desire to sneak back in.

Take the pressure off yourself to feel like you have to “want it” all the time. Sometimes just starting with small, intimate gestures—like kissing or a massage—can make all the difference. Don’t worry about the end goal; just enjoy the moment and see where it goes.

Most importantly, talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. Let him know this isn’t about a lack of attraction—it’s just something you’re figuring out, and his support would mean a lot. Being on the same page can take a lot of the pressure off both of you.

If you’re feeling stuck, talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual health can be a game-changer. They can help you work through the emotions and give you practical tips for getting back on track.

This is totally fixable, and you’re not alone.

Q: HOW do I navigate sex and marriage when neither is great right now. 

I get it—when both your marriage and your sex life feel off, it can feel overwhelming, like, “Where do I even start?” The fact that you care enough to want to figure this out is huge. You’re already on the right track, so let’s break it down.

Start with the Relationship

Focus on the emotional connection first. When you’re feeling disconnected emotionally, it’s no surprise that the physical side suffers too. Spend time together doing things you both enjoy—take a walk, cook a meal, or just hang out without distractions. Sometimes just being present with each other can start to rebuild that bond.

Open Up the Conversation

When you’re ready, talk to your partner—but keep it low-pressure and open. Instead of diving into “what’s wrong,” try saying something like, “I miss feeling close to you, and I’d love for us to work on that together.” It’s not about blame; it’s about teaming up to bring back what you both miss.

Ease Into Intimacy

Take sex off the table for now if it feels like too much. Focus on little moments of closeness—cuddling, holding hands, even just sitting close while you watch TV. Those small gestures can make a big difference and help ease you both back into feeling connected.

Be Kind to Yourself

If stress, hormones, or just life in general are weighing you down, it’s okay to acknowledge that. Sometimes chatting with your doctor or looking into things like hormone therapy or stress management can help you feel more like yourself again. You deserve to feel good in your own skin.

Seek Support if Needed

If talking feels hard, a couples therapist can be a game-changer. They can help you navigate those tough conversations and give you tools to reconnect emotionally and physically. It doesn’t mean something’s broken—it just means you’re investing in your relationship.

Take it One Step at a Time

Most importantly, don’t try to fix everything overnight. Celebrate the small wins, like a good laugh together or a moment of closeness. Those little things can snowball into something bigger and better.

You’re not alone in this, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. You’ve got this!

Q: We've never used toys in the bedroom, I feel weird and embarrassed. Would this improve our sex life? What should I start with?

Feeling weird or embarrassed about trying toys when you’ve never done that in the past is normal! Honestly, they can be such a fun way to spice things up, reconnect, and explore something new together. It’s all about finding what works for you and your partner.

Toys aren’t about replacing anything—they’re just tools to enhance what you already have. They can help with arousal, make things more playful, and even be great for addressing things like dryness or sensitivity changes. Plus, trying something new together can add excitement and bring you closer.

If you’re nervous, start small. A little bullet vibrator is a great first step—it’s discreet, simple to use, and perfect for external stimulation. It’s also something you can use solo or together. If you want something for both of you, maybe try a vibrating ring or a small massager—gentle, fun, and not too overwhelming.

Bring it up with your partner in a casual way, like, “Hey, I was thinking it might be fun to try something new—what do you think?” Keep it light and low-pressure so it feels like an adventure, not a big deal.

Shopping for a toy can actually be part of the fun! Browse online together or visit a shop (some are super friendly and welcoming). Pick something that catches your eye and feels comfortable for both of you. Reading reviews or watching how-to videos can also help you feel more confident.

Take it slow—there’s no rush. Start by just exploring how it feels, and don’t worry about “doing it right.” It’s all about having fun and seeing what works for you. And check in with each other—ask what feels good, share what you like, and laugh through the awkward moments. It’s all part of the journey.

Trying toys doesn’t have to be a big leap—it’s just one way to shake things up and make intimacy more exciting.

To be continued on PART TWO…