That negative assumption will break down trust even further, and the next assumption will be even more negative. And then it keeps snowballing, trust breaking down over and over, the negativity of the assumptions escalating - sometimes to a point where we begin to villainize the other person, assuming the worst in every interaction we have with them. 

I’ve seen this in every conflict I have mediated. One client was so angry at her co-worker – clearly villainizing her – because she held the door open for her and smiled at her. Her assumption was “she’s just trying to make it look like she’s the professional one and I’m the problem.” I’ve seen it over and over – something we’d appreciate if it came from someone we have a good relationship with turns into something negative in our minds when it comes from someone we are villainizing.

When we've reached that point, conflict is incredibly difficult to resolve. Building trust when conflict has spiralled this deep takes a lot more work than most are willing to expend and the relationship will often end in a bitter parting of the ways. 

When you find yourself annoyed and making assumptions about someone, avoid the increasing stress you build up by stewing over it and protect your relationship by using these five simple steps to shift yourself from judgment to curiosity about the other person's perspective and address the situation immediately. 

1 Remind yourself you don't actually know their intention and you are making an assumption. 

2 Identify the most generous assumptions you can make about the person's intent in the situation. This will help to shift your mindset and increase your openness to hearing a different perspective. 

For example, I think we both really want to do a great job on this report. 

3 Ask the other person what their intent was in taking that action or saying what they said. Face to face is best to avoid the misinterpretations. Not seeing body language or hearing tone of voice can contribute to assumptions. 

Ask questions like: When you left that phone message, what were you hoping the impact would be for me? 

Listen to understand instead of listening to prepare your rebuttal. 

4 Let them know the impact on you and what your needs are, share what's true for you in a way they can hear by avoiding escalating and blaming language. Instead focus on how you felt and why it's important to you. 

For example, When I heard your phone message saying you want to rewrite my section of the report, I was upset because I put a lot of time and thought into it, and it's important to me to make a valuable contribution to our work. 

5 Avoid a focus on who's right or wrong and enlist their help in coming up with a solution that works for you both. Ask a question that focuses on the needs of you both, for example, Given that we both want our communication to help us maintain a great working relationship, and that we both want the report to meet the client's needs, how will we move forward? 

You can download the complete article and additional resources, including a preparation worksheet that will help you get ready to address a situation you find yourself making assumptions about at collaborationschool.com/5-simple-steps/ 

And check out the rest of collaborationschool.com for lots of other free resources, including Season One of Kirstin’s podcast “That C Word”.

“ I actually started teaching just three classes in 2005, after an awful ending to a previous business partnership (NEVER go into business with a friend or family member!!).  I also offer a monthly membership for Virtual fitness and pilates classes, called motion fitness CONNECT, which actually was a silver lining that came out of Covid for me!

We (my two trainers and I), teach over 24 classes per week, which are mainly Pilates mat and Reformer based, but we also teach twice-weekly noon classes called Total Body Fitness, which include some fun cardio, some light weight work and some core work to finish up in under 40-minutes - probably longer than most "nooners" last but we make it as efficient as we can....

A lot of my decisions about my career came out of necessity ...in particular, an initial separation, followed by a divorce 10 full years later. I'm looking forward to divulging lots more about THAT whole process and experience...I'm sure there are a few of you out there who will relate, and not just to the shitty parts but also to all the funny shit we can laugh about now. 

I have two adult daughters Hallie, 25 and Casey, 23.  They're awesome, as in strong-ass, young women.  One of the best things I've done in my life for sure. 

I'm excited about sharing many parts of my life with you in upcoming editions...Parts that include fitness as not being about working out and getting a tight rear-end, but more importantly as an outlet and refuge.  Parts that include what being a divorcee means...how it felt at the beginning...and now how it feels at the end!  AND I am looking forward to communicating that fitness and moving one's body isn't one-size fits-all...and no matter what, you are never too old to begin again.” 

See you next time. 

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I worked hard to earn the nickname Tammy Faye and I wear that badge with great pride and A LOT of mascara 💖

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